Anorexia – I guess this is the end.
You would have noticed in the last few weeks.
I ate lunch everyday and you know, I don’t feel bad about it.
And I sit down more, and I don’t feel bad about it.
I’m bigger, and I don’t feel bad about it.
All these things that you made me feel so bad about – living like a normal human.
Depriving myself of nutrients that I needed to survive.
You kept me in a chokehold for years and years and years.
And… you had this blanket; this dark cloak over me.
I couldn’t see straight, I couldn’t think straight.
There was no remorse.
It was relentless.
You had me strangled in a cage with barbed wire.
And anytime I would try and break out, you would just thrash me and put me back in there.
For so long, I trusted you as my guardian.
And I needed you to be my guardian.
And you told me that if I followed the rules, then I would be happy.
Rules that made no sense, rules that conflicted.
Rules like you need to try and avoid eating for as long as you can.
But also you should avoid binging and so also you should eat frequently throughout the day, small minuscule meals.
That makes no sense.
Pushing me to deprive myself of basic nutrients, basic human rights.
Not being able to have lunch. Why?
Why would you do this to me?
How would anyone that cared about me do this?
That’s right, because you didn’t care.
I thought I was safe with you.
Because I had no one and nothing else.
So I trusted you.
I trusted that if I followed the rules then I would be OK.
And I was so unhappy that, I couldn’t look past the rules, and I couldn’t take the risk of not following the rules because then I’ve got all hell would break out, right?
That would just be an absolute atrocity.
I would be, you know, trapped even more.
God forbid that I didn’t follow your rules.
But then.. You know what I noticed?
It started to get really hard.
The the rules got harder.
You changed the rules.
You changed how I could win and in the end I could never win.
I was always losing and it was so horrible because…. I like to win.
But you wouldn’t allow me to win.
You would just constantly change the rules, so I was always doing the wrong thing.
And… this is why I need to say goodbye to you.
You don’t serve me anymore.
I’m OK now – I’ve found joy in being.
I found myself again.
I don’t need the torment.
I don’t need you to tell me that I have to follow the rules to so things will get better, because I’m 100% OK.
I don’t need things to get better for you according to you, and I sure as hell know that if it’s according to you, it definitely will not get better.
That was a funny trick that you played, you know, for years and years and years.
And I don’t need you or them anymore.
I’m smarter now, and I know that it following your rules doesn’t lead to happiness, it doesn’t lead to success, it doesn’t lead to freedom.
It just leads to pain and torture and torment and anguish and, as I’ve described many times, a cyclone in my head.
And I don’t want that anymore.
I don’t need that anymore.
So I’m saying goodbye.
I understand I needed you at this time.
When things were really hard, I needed you.
Because I didn’t know how to make myself happy.
I don’t need to listen to you.
And I know that listening to you actually makes things worse.
Thank you for being with me in the hardest times.
Thank you for promising that you were gonna make things better – giving me something to hope for.
Maybe that’s what I needed at the time.
Maybe I had such little hope in my own life that I needed to latch on to you, so you could give me that little bit of hope.
Just all you know, just do this, then it’ll get better… I heard you say this so many times.
Just a little less weight, just a little more hungry.
What are these lies? But.
You gave me hope. When I had nothing else.
And so…. I need to appreciate you and say thank you as well.
Just because I appreciate you, doesn’t mean that I need you now.
Rather, I’ve found a better way to be, a better way to live, better things to hope for.
I can now focus on my life…. I can focus on… living normally.
It’s just this whole new sense of life that, for so long, I haven’t felt.
But, I feel it now.
That’s really nice…. and…. that’s where I am at, and I’m leaving you behind.
So. Thank you, and although I usually say, “I’ll see you later.”, but to be honest, I don’t want to see you again. I really don’t want you to be any part of my life ever again.
And I know that you’ll try and say hello like, you know, like a ex-boyfriend that just, pops up, and is like “hey, let’s catch up again.”
That’s not going to happen.
This is officially the end.
Anorexia? I bid you farewell.
On your merry way now,
And I will not be seeing you again.
Thank you and goodbye.