THE SHORT VERSION – MY INTENTIONS AND MY DOWNLOADS.
Show me how to love myself unconditionally, my purpose, my passion, my vibrance.
Let others lead
Make play of everything – work, life, eating
Life is light – play, being soft is my space
If disconnected, spiralling, stuck – go to spirit, connect with affirmations
Affirmations daily, gratitude daily
Purpose: meet great people, have great experiences.
And you will find the amazing happens naturally – this is why you are stuck – you’re waiting for amazing.
AMAZING IS THE CONNECTION
You can’t get mazing on your own! That’s why you are stuck – STOP waiting and stopping yourself –
Just LET GO make fun and play of everything
Then your life will be amazing!
Dont question the lead
Allow others to lead, go on the adventure together.
Stop fantasising in your head – just allow it to unfold, dive in before you are ready.
You’ll never be ready for the amazing adventure the is YOUR LIFE.
Let go of my body, let go of the ego, let go of control.
The life of freedom, peace, serenity, wholeness is on the other side of control. I vow to drop any resistance to this intention, as I know it is my birthright to experience pure love, light, joy and vibrance.
The ONLY way forward is to surrdender and let go – then my life will be the adventure I crave, the destiny I seek, the connection to self I NEED for alignment,, happiness, fulfilment, serenity.
I trust the process, trust that I am safe, and trust that I have all the tools I need to let go – completely, fully and without hesitation. I trust the process, trust the journey. I am safe, I am evolving, I am free.
Thank you for loving me more than I will ever know. I’m sorry I thought you left, because now I know you’re always with me in my heart.
All my sadness has circled around missing you – because that’s how much I love you.
All the games, all the pain, all the hate, all the control – it was all because I was sad that we couldn’t go on our adventures.
Today in ceremony I learnt all the impatience, wanting to be somewhere else, wanting to be numb, it was all because I was missing you and trying to speed up time until you got home so I could be with you again.
You’re my king, my hero, my best friend – everyone else is just a bonus because I know I have you.
I need you to know too, for your healing, that I’m always with you too. At work, at home, I’m always with you.
We are forever intertwined, spirit souls, and our love transcends time and space.
If you ever get sad, know I’m always by your side, on the adventure together, and I will do the same.
I love you endlessly and excited for our future together, all the adventures – knowing we’re always together, irrespective of time and place, our spirits are always together.
And this is what we both want, why we have always seeked. I love you, and I am happy that our adventure has already begun.
I vow to honour the wisdom you speak – look for simplicity, authenticity, step away from the bullshit and connect with people of the earth, land, planet, the tribal people.
I’ll seek genuine experiences, like visiting a village, deeply connecting with my adventure buddies, and of course going to the markets.
I am forever grateful for the grounding you have offered me and understand it to be truth.
I love you, and I’ll see you soon.
With me forever, with you forever.
Clarity – what’s next for my highest self, in my career, travel, location, self?
What will serve my soul? What will lead to fulfilment long term?
I surrender to the guidance, the wisdom, the knowledge in the universe. I trust I will learn exactly what I need to know for my next step, and the steps ahead.
I trust the journey, I trust the process, I trust giving into the medicine will grant me clarity for my current and next phase.
SLEEP APP – BUSINESS
- Decide you want freedom
- Meet people with freedom
- Ask how they do it
You are smart, but others are smarter with money so you should invest your time with those people so you can learn the secrets to FREEDOM and living life and still making money.
Your old ways have served you and CAN serve you as you want, BUT to follow this path IGNORES the LIMITLESS POTENTIAL of the universe and CREATIVE CAPACITY and ULTIMATE FREEDOM that is your destiny –
SHOULD YOU CHOOSE THIS PATH.
You dont HAVE to, but if you want the life of your dreams, where time is endless, you can indulge TRUE PURPOSE which is DEEP CONNECTION, you MUST step outside of what you know and LEARN how to be more effective and efficient making money by meeting others doing this and taking their advice.
THEN you can life a life of adventure as you want – think walking for days, dancing till dawn, exploring ALL of the cities and ALL of the countries – THIS CAN BE YOURS if you step outside of you and LEARN from others doing this exact thing, then REPLICATE AND REPEAT.
IT’S THAT SIMPLE.
BUCKLE UP BABY.
If you feel scared in this process, come back to me.
- Bob proctor abundance meditation – twice
- Be nice to yourself
- Put self criticism IN THE BOX under the bed
- Meet great people
- Have great adventures
- See the goodness in all situation
- Be a great person
- Trust abundance
TAKE THE FAST TRACK TO WEALTH, HEALTH, LOVE AND LIFE.
MAKE GRATITUDE YORU ATTITUDE
Ayahausca is the way out :
This is what you will be on stage for – preaching and spreading the message of ABUNDANCE
Sleep is serving you but its not what will put you on the main stage.
For this, abundance is key and focusing on the good that already exists.
Gratitude and self gratitude is the way – what you will share globally for this.
Networking is everything.
Being this person NOW in your words, intentions, actions, behaviours – when you become this person and tune into the abundance, the ONLY thing that will manifest is LOVE and LIGHT for you and everyone.
THIS IS YOUR ULTIMATE PURPOSE AND IT WILL ONLY COME TRUTH AND YOUR LIFE IF YOU ARE THE EMBODIMENT OF THIS – tap into abundance, put ego in the box, trust, take advice from others smarter than you, and ENJOY THE JOURNEY.
Dance, smile, be grateful, explore, dance, love, light, love, light.
THIS IS YOUR DESTINY.
Inspiring others to their highest power is your deepest desire – it’s not sleep.
Put sleep to bed!
Move onto your next journey, your next path, which is to tap into abundance and spread the message.
If you are scared as to how this will work financially, it’s ok, tap into abundance and remember what happened in 2019 when jaguar XXX’d your business – in one month.
This can happen again if you follow the rules:
- Abundance meditation, at least twice a day.
- Connect with those who have wealth
- Ask how
- Rinse and repeat
You’ll see most of them are multi dimensional and have multiple businesses, as you can too.
But in order to know how to do this you need to LEARN, READ and EXPAND and TAKE ADVICE
From those who are the 5%.
This is your next step, your journey, your path.
You also need to decide how you will spend your oversupply of time and money.
Build a retreat centre for healing, and gift it those who can’t pay.
Make it a hub for your favourite healers and run retreats – 1 per month to give you connection to community, spirit, source – which is what you NEED to remain balanced, aligned, healing.
You asked what’s next:
Learning about wealth from those who do it well
Learning about manifestation from those doing it well
Moving your body and location
Living your true purpose
When you are this person, you will meet the people you need to take it global.
Connect with abundance, alignment, love and light…. AND INSPIRE OTHERS TO DO THE SAME.
Intention: show me anything else I need to know.
Downloads: you already know everything you need to know. Just take the advice. That’s all.
THE LONG VERSION – EVERYTHING THAT LEAD ME TO DOING PLANT MEDICINE, AND THE INS AND OUTS OF THE JOURNEY – NOTHING IS HELD BACK.
Pre-experience: my reason.
This is for anyone who has ever had a long term mental illness – anxiety, depression, eating disorders, insomnia.
I’ll be blunt: it sucks.
You do years of therapy, do all ‘the work’, practice what everyone says you need to practice to be mentally healthy – meditation, mindfulness, exercise, healthy food…..
…but it still seems to bubble away in the background, like an old friend who just won’t let go.
At least, this is my experience of it.
Anorexia is my challenge, and it’s been creating chaos in my life since I was 16 – so now, at the age of 32, I can officially say it’s been half of my life. And that’s not including the 2 years from 14-16 which bulimia ran the show.
So yeah, a long term anorexic – that’s me… well, one part of me.
It’s a part of me that makes my days long, hard and irritating.
Do you know how painful It Is to constantly hungry? As in, you wake up, and there’s this immense hunger inside you, but instead of responding to it like a normal human, you do whatever is in your power to distract yourself from the undulating screams from your stomach to eat.
For me, that means exercise – which ironically only increases hunger in the long term. However, for a brief period when I’m at the gym, I have relief. It’s like a parent with a screaming baby then they give the baby to their partner and have a moment to themselves – that’s what it feels like when I’m exercising, at least until the hunger makes me so restless that I get antsy in the gym, and I want to leave and distract myself through some other means.
Socialising – that’s a good distraction too. Hours of conversation can dull even the strongest of hunger pangs, and make you forget that you’re actually torturing yourself (through your conscious will). However, what I have found is that socialising is sometimes effective, but other times not – because sometimes you become so irritated by the hunger in your stomach that you find irritation in the world around you, and start directing this to those around you too – cue arguments and feeling annoyed at your poor companion who is probably great company.
Work though – that’s probably my favourite distraction. As I am a solo operator, and typically work from home, I can go hours if I’m on a roll without recognising that I am genuinely so hungry I could eat my arm. And, in a moment when I do realise this, I leverage one of my other distractions (See above), and then go back to work.
The craziest thing about this whole situation is that I am probably one of the smartest girls you’ll ever meet. I have my ‘shit’ sorted – I make great money doing a job I love, I live in the apartment of my dreams, I have a cute jack Russell puppy who adores me endlessly, great friends, a loving family, hopes for the future and acceptance of the past. I’ve done the self work that typically limits us from advancing and have my values in check.
At least, I think I do. To the outside world, this is true. To others, I am transparent, honest, upfront, thoughtful, caring, loving, warm, supportive. I genuinely want to help everyone to feel their best, and do this both in my work as a sleep coach and in my personal life, just through genuinely giving a shit and making space for those I love.
However, in my inner world, it would seem my shit is not together.
Everyday is a battle – literally every day. Depending on how I’m feeling, this can range from being so painful I want to sleep / work / drink all day to forget my pain, or perhaps a little less extreme. Behaviourally, this can range from doing everything in my power to avoid eating until the evening, where I then strangely have permission from my eating disorder to eat (not much though, of course), or drinking (alcohol) through the afternoon and picking at food to accompany it (again, not much though), or perhaps trying to eat the lowest calories but still be full – e.g. massive salads with lean meat, or sometimes restricting for most of the day then indulging in bites – yes, bites, not an actual meal – of something the least bit healthy – pasta, bread, cheese, etc. Though these aren’t low calorie options, it’s almost like after a day (or days) of restriction, I feel It’s ok to enjoy these foods – but only if I don’t eat a lot, leave the table hungry OR fill up on lower calorie options, and then limit myself for meals outside of this one.
Sounds crazy hey?
This is actually my life though. This is the life on the inside of a long term eating disorder. And there have been times it’s been worse yes – from when I was hospitalised for 6 weeks at the age of 16, or when I was bingeing and purging daily at the age of 17, or even when I was 29-31 and I would scare people by how thin I was, self included.
See, those were lower points in my weight yes, and although I have increased my weight a fraction (much to my grandma’s delight, who believe’s I’m normal again); I still battle with these thoughts day in, day out (most of the time).
And although I’m not trying to be as thin as I was, and I can look back on images and fully agree that I never want to be that thin again, there is still a voice in my head which encourages me to just be a little smaller … eat a little less … go a little longer without food. Similarly, there’s still the voice in my head which tells me I am a normal size, and that gaining any weight would be the worst thing known to man, and that I should probably look to detoxing soon because I have been getting too big – that voice Is still there.
And to be honest, it may be even more frustrating now because people believe I am a lot better. Some days yes, but some days, it still fucking sucks.
So… if you’re reading this and thinking – so why don’t you get help? Then let me assure you – I have had a lot of therapy. In my teens when things were super bad, and again when I turned 31. I say a lot of therapy because I feel like I have talked and talked about this issue to many people, and had many answers, and had a lot of understandings and insights… which is all good… but it hasn’t managed to shake this illness. It’s like it’s s deep seeded in my bones, in my biology, in my chemical make up or something; something that will always linger.
That’s what it feels like, because it’s been so long, and because I have tried many forms of therapy – though to be fair, probably not enough. But who wants to spend their days and weeks talking about the problem over and over? Certainly not me. I’m pragmatic, solution focused – I don’t like to talk about the problem, I just want the solution.
I guess this is what lead me to be where I am right now – on a plane to costa rica to do ayahuasca for 7 days. I’ve head this medicine is a miracle and have been told stories of profound transformation as a result of the plant.
Profound transformation – hello.
That’s what excites me. Imaging a day where my day isn’t obsessed about food (or there lack of). Imagining what my life looks like when I’m not trying to distract myself from ongoing hunger. Imagining eating a meal and finishing it – even if it’s something heavy like pasta. Imaging a life where I am not in fear of gaining weight. Imagining any of these things – or all of them together.
That would be a profound transformation – and that is what I seek.
I’m done with obsessing over food, I’m done equating my value to my body size, and I’m done feeling like shit for the sake of a body size. And, importantly, I’m done trying to put up with this as a life – this isn’t a life, this is a torture chamber in the form of a life. And I want to be free.
I want to spend my days feeling nourished, nurtured and cared for – by myself, to myself.
I want to have brain space for creativity, energy for activities and enthusiasm for what’s to come.
I want to pursue something greater than a day of distractions from hunger and want to start living the life I know I am meant to live – one filled with abundance, pleasure, love, peace, serenity.
I know I am on the brink of the next chapter, and I know that ayahuasca is the gateway in.
Wish me luck – I’m walking in the gates now, and I’m not turning back.
Day 2 – Ayahausca Retreat
And suddenly… I was bawling my eyes out. In the middle of the room, completely out of no where.
That was around 630pm, in the middle of a Breathwork class. I was pretty spent from exhaling and inhaling like my life depended on it; so I was taking a break to lay in the stillness. Then, I had a vision: myself, sitting cross legged in a villa, looking immensely relaxed. Then I look a little deeper at the image, and see that I’m not alone. There is my partner, sitting behind me, holding me across the shoulder, with silvery brown hair, tanned skin and no shirt on.
This was the point I bawled my eyes out – because I realise I wasn’t alone. And it wasn’t just that I wasn’t alone – it was that I was specifically with my partner, laying in a warm embrace, and I could feel the ease oozing off me. I could feel my heart was happy, my zest was back, and my adventure for life had returned once more.
After what feel like a lifetime of being alone, investing time in those who I know, deep down, aren’t my ‘tribe’, and almost giving up on the idea that I will ever meet someone I genuinely connect with, there is was – right in front of my eyes… me, in love, with my partner. And he in love with me.
With the flood of tears flowing from my eyes, and the sadness pouring out from my heart, I realised – maybe this is one of my main issues which leaves me stuck – at times, e.g. when I wrote the previous entry, I have lost hope. And when I lose hope, I spiral into darkness. Everything is blurry, everything is a mess, and I am a mess. I lose my zest, my passion, my enthusiasm, my energy, my warmth. The tone of my voice is dull and lifeless, I feel exhausted, and I can’t string a sentence together. I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to go out, I just want to lay there in my sadness, blaming myself for being such a failure and so unlovable.
When I lose hope, I spiral into self hate, self doubt, self pity and self hate. Instead of thinking that I haven’t found the right solution yet, I resolve that I am the problem, that I can’t change, and that I’m completely powerless to find a resolution. A loss of hope sends me into a deep depression, one that renders me a completely different person to who I usually am.
Who I usually am – although I haven’t been this way for quite some time – who I usually am is someone warm, loving, caring, enthusiastic, excited, energetic, creative, conscious. I go above and beyond at work and at home, and make sure those around me feel extra loved. I take gifts when meeting up with friends (regardless of the occasion), organise events to gather my nearest and dearest and consciously create our best experiences.
When I am on, I am on – but the problem is, I’m not always on. Typically, I am ‘on’ for a certain period, inspired by the belief that my partner is out there, seeking me as I seek him. I show up at 200% every time – and usually can take a few knocks here and there. I am optimistic and focused on what I want to be true – that I’m a great girl, and that my Romeo is there.
But…. This doesn’t last forever. And recently, that happened. It seemed I was going so well – which I was, to a certain degree. I was firmly believing that my partner was out there, going on dates, seeing my girlfriends regularly, seeing my family, prioritising my health (as much as you can when you are still somewhat affected by an eating disorder), and feeling positive.
Then…. Date after date, disappointment after disappointment.. I couldn’t take it anymore. I closed up. I took the ‘fuck dating’ mentality, and decided I wanted to hibernate. Using my favourite coping mechanism – work – I funnelled my energy into my job and ignored the fact that my heart was incredibly sad.
And although I haven’t always been proactively dating, or proactively seeking a partner, or even open to a partner, I decided this year that I would – and when I want something, usually it eventuates pretty quickly. My laser like focus in this instance, however, failed me miserably, and I was left perplexed by the mysteries of dating…. And still am.
So…. Where does that leave me now?
Well, first things first, after a big release of that idea that I would be forever alone, I am feeling more myself again than I have in weeks. And although weeks is perspectively not a long time, when I feel something, I feel it deeply – so weeks for me felt like months or years. My weeks have been immensely painful with an ache which has remained despite all coping mechanisms – work, exercise, eating, not eating, socialising – nothing could dampen the hunger for a partner – truly, a hunger. It was like a heart ache, one that radiated from my heart to my entire body, leaving a heaviness on my back that left me in actual pain after sitting for longer than a few hours.
However, after this release, combined with the other healing modalities – a colonic, a yoga class, a 21 hour plane ride with a 2 hour journalling session, arriving at rythmia and being welcomed into the space like family – I am not feeling that same numbness, pain, hurt or hunger anymore.
I recognise that my partner is there, in the world, seeking me as I am seeking him. And I also realise I need to pay attention to the words that arose in my Breathwork session: “be patient and keep your heart soft”. So although the session is over, these works will guide me through the week, and help me learn exactly what I need.
I trust everything is unfolding exactly as it should, and I am in the right place, at the right time. I trust that all my confusion and questions will be answered when I meet my partner – I won’t have to worry about things like location or my lifestyle. It will work, effortlessly, and easily. I know this to be true, and I choose to align myself with this belief moving forward. I know it serves me – in the present, past, and future.
That’s all from day 2 – outside of the Breathwork session, I will mention the experience here has been nothing short of wonderful: the staff are welcoming and hospitable, the food is incredible (and endless), the space is warm and inviting, and the treatments (so far a yoga class, massage and colonic) have overdelivered in quality. And, last but definitely not least – the community here. From those who have been here twice, three or even 8 times (yes, one guy); to newbies like me, we are sharing the journey at every step – which makes me feel more alive than ever. It also leads me to wonder how I can do more of this on a regular basis, as I see that my soul is telling me what I am need to heal: this sense of connectedness is how I will return to my source, my soul, my true self…
.. and the ayahuasca hasn’t even started yet.
Day 4 Ayahausca Retreat
Feeling calm. Unusually calm. A serene, peaceful calm. A calm that I don’t think I’ve experienced before, or at least not recently.
2 nights of ayahausca down and I’ve moved through the three intentions, which are intentions from thousands of years ago, delivered to me here via Rhythmia:
- Show me what I’ve become
- Merge me back with my soul, at all costs
- Heal my heart
The journey…. What a journey!
Monday night, my first night, was like flying to the moon and back – and a rollercoaster in between. I was laughing, crying, giggling, throwing up, pooping – all in the space of a few hours. Like the best party of my life, I never wanted it to end and am proud to say I was the last to leave the party (for probably the first time ever).
Emotionally, I processed the pain – the pain of missing my dad, my best friend, my world, from the age of 4, and recognised the heaviness in my heart, and the heaviness I feel all over my body, is largely generated from this pain. It’s HEAVY. Like a weight on my chest, arms, legs, back – it’s a heaviness that helps me understand why I feel heavier than I physically am – I have been carrying emotional bricks to weigh me down.
So yes, cried about this for…. No idea how long. Between that, I also felt an immense sense of love and compassion for myself, my heart, my family – especially my dad. I felt like he was part of the experience with me, spiritually, soulfully.
Although I talk about missing my dad, it’s not like he passed – it’s just that he worked in the city through the week, and came home on weekends. While this may not seem traumatic compared to others here – stories of sexual, emotional and physical abuse are common; as are tales of drug addiction and rehab – for ME, for MY WORLD, this was by far the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened.
Imagine: the one person you truly connect with, the one person who gets you, the one who when you are together, time disappears into nothing – that after being your world for 4 years, they all of a sudden, are gone for the majority of your time. Instead, you are left with a mum who, for lack of outside support, comes to you for support to deal with adult issues – her relationship with my dad, her family disconnection, her social isolation; a brother who finds it fun to tease you and beat you up (within reason) consecutively, a school where you don’t fit in and you are ‘that kid’ that gets picked on.
I reiterate – comparatively, this may seem minor but FOR ME this was heart breaking, devastating, the end of my happy life and the start of one of misery.
To further create chaos, my soul semi-came back to life when he would return on that one day on the weekend, which would then shatter further when he left again.
And this happened each week for 10 years in a row.
I use the words ‘shatter’, ‘heartbreak’ and ‘devastation’ without hesitation.
Dramatic I know, but I do recall from a young age being in so much pain that I often contemplated suicide. I mean, from the age of 7. I remember wondering if I would die If I put a knife in the toaster or an electrical plug in the kitchen sink. At the age of 7. My life was immensely painful and I felt I had no support and no way to make the pain stop.
Move forward 20 or so years, and despite 5 years of regular therapy, 3 months as an inpatient, 25k spent on private coaching (in one month), multiple retreats, meditating and exercising daily – there is a pain that I have been unable to shift.
See, though I know from a rational, adult perspective the reasons behind this.
I know that it’s only BECAUSE of his love, he left so he could support us properly.
I know that BECAUSE of his love, he made this decision.
But that hasn’t changed the fact that emotionally, I feel this trauma like it was yesterday.
So – this is also what bought me to ayahausca. Clear the emptiness, clear the pain, clear the sadness, the melancholy, the darkness that always seems to be with me.
And, I know that my coping mechanisms – to distract myself in work / exercise / achievements – are just a mask for this pain.
I also know that my beliefs – that I am not good enough, unworthy, unlovable, undeserving – these beliefs also stem from this experience; and that these beliefs have lead me to creating further pain in my life, mainly by pushing people away and denying myself of food.
So… while I haven’t received all these insights in this ayahuasca experience alone, it is helping me piece together more of myself.
- the heaviness I feel in my body = the heaviness in my heart
- That I still feel immense pain around this experience, showing me I still need to process and heal
- That my belief system that I am not enough primarily stems from the belief that dad didn’t love me
So…. These are some of the emotional elements that have emerged through the medicine.
What else has emerged though?
An opportunity to reprogram, clarity, light, love and healing.
An opportunity to reprogram – I know it is me who assigns meaning to my past, present and future. This means I can rewrite the experience of the past so I don’t feel so traumatised.
Specifically, I choose to believe that my dad and I transcend physical barriers – we are connected in spirit, as spirit is truth. Physical distance is irrelevant. How many times we speak – irrelevant. What IS relevant is to know, with ZERO uncertainty, that my dad is FOREVER with me in my spirit, soul and heart.
This is what emerged in the second ceremony – and with that, I moved through the next two intentions: merge me back with my soul at all costs and heal my heart.
Processing this last night, I literally felt a knife in my heart had been pulled out. A piercing knife that had sethered my ability to feel, love, laugh and live. So that’s the ‘heal my heart’.
And in terms of merge me back with my soul, I realise that my dad is part of my soul, and to reconnect with him, in spirit land, has allowed me to be merged.
Hence: I feel calm, loved, warm, soothed, safe, serene, peaceful.
It’s a truly beautiful experience, and I know this is being shown to me now to remind me of what life is about.
When I felt this sense of love last night, I didn’t want to move, go anywhere, think or be distracted. I was immersed within my love cocoon that was realising my dad was always with me, in spirit; that for once in my life I was happy to stop and simply be.
This taught me that my impatience, my need to rush to the next moment, is largely driven by a sense of need for my dad to return, my soul to return, my spirit to return. And similarly, my impatience drives me to distract myself until that happens – cue overworking, overthinking, overdoing.
Deep down, all I really want is to be connected in spirit, in love, and on an adventure each day.
And my distractions – achieving through my work, obsessing about my body, obsessing about food, clinging on to false senses of security – these were all simply an attempt to comfort myself, and give myself a sense of safety in the face of losing my actual sense of safety – my dad.
I know this because I asked the medicine to allow me to let go: let go of my body, my ego, my control. As frightening as this was to ask, I know that I will only find freedom, peace, serenity, when I am free from the shackles of attachment.
I will only live the life of my dreams when I disconnect from obsessing, overthinking, overworking.
It is the ONLY way.
So – as fearful as this was to ask the medicine to help me let go of what’s kept me safe for years, I did it.
And she delivered. But in the most beautiful way possible.
Rather than removing me from my security blanket and leaving me without a net, spinning into an abyss; she showed me the reason I clung to these obsessions, and the root cause behind it.
So. Fucking. Beautiful.
She also empowered me to choose a different path and assign a different meaning – rather than thinking physically gone = emotionally gone; she reminded me that connection is spiritual, not physical.
And with that, I feel calm and at ease.
So… that’s the emotional part, the big shift. What’s allowing me to feel calm, grounded, loved, safe, warm, cared for, stable.
Outside of that, what’s happened during ayahausca and at rythmia?
Two part question, two part answer.
I fell in love with a painting, who asked me to see if I could move it using my eyes, which I did, and then it told me how strong I was for being able to do it. The painting said: “see, you’re so strong, much stronger than you know”. I then hugged the painting for about 10 minutes.
I have cried my eyes out until I had no tears left to cry
I cried for my puppy jackie, as we have served each other for the past year and a half, but I know for a while, I won’t see her. I cried tears of gratitude as she has been another distraction, but also – my protector. She’s kept me company on the journey of COVID, been my adventure buddy, and blocks all guys from me (legit – she growls whenever anyone touches me). She’s protected me, loved me, kept me safe – and I have for her – but I know for a while, we need to be apart so I can spread my wings and journey in the world. (Side note: she is being cared for by a wonderful grandma who has escaped the war in Ukraine; so I am comfortable leaving her and know she is bringing so much joy to her now)
I rolled around in hugging myself for hours
I talked about life and the universe and spirit land, and some nonsense, for hours
I felt an overwheming sense of love, joy, completion, oneness.
I’ve stayed up until 2am with zero sense of fatigue the following day (admittedly, after ayahuasca you literally just lay there on the mattress napping and in your own space land for about 6 hours so it’s not that demanding).
I’ve connected with my fellow journeyers, sharing anxieties, fears, post ceremony downloads.
I’ve tapped into my consciousness, my awareness, my spirit guide – they call this experience of ayahuasca ‘the consult’, and it’s literally when you just hear a voice in your head chatting to you – which is why I can understand the above with such clarity. My spirit guide has told me that in order to maintain this state of calm, balance and ease, I need to integrate mushrooms into my regular experience, as my system is programmed to be in overdrive, so to correct it I’ll need herbal support.
I’ve had possibly the most moving experience of my life, in 2 nights.
So yes, ayahuasca – what a fucking experience.
Best thing is I’m on day 4, which means there is 2 more ceremonies to go on this trip, and many more – because coming back here is 100% on the agenda each year.
And now…. Rythmia.
What can I say? It’s fucking amazing. It’s no surprise that probably half of my 50 – or so cohort are return guests.
The staff – beyond brilliant. Somehow they learn everyone’s name – in the first few days. Always greeting you with a smile, warmth, love and a beautiful energy.
The food – dear god, this is outstanding. From my favourite banana pancakes in the morning to the basil tahini salad dressing to the beetroot burgers – it’s outrageously good. Unfortunately a side effect of the medicine is that you feel immensely nauseas, often the next day, and that you need to fast after 2pm (so dinner is a no – go); so I haven’t been able to eat that much overall – but when I do, it’s amazing. Other noteworthy dishes include a creamy pumpkin soup, vegan choc chip cookies, banana muffins and plantain with cinnamon.. YUM. As the worlds slowest eater, also appreciate the lengthy meal times and the buffet approach, meaning I can graze for hours (and do!).
The community though – the guests – that has to be the number one (outside of the ayahausca). Being a luxury retreat it attracts guests who are smart, switched on, intelligent with money and overall, successful in their careers. Like me, on paper, they tick the boxes, but each one is going through their own personal transformation, asking themselves what they truly want (outside of wealth), how to overcome destructive thinking and behaviour, and how to heal from the past. So there is a lot of commonality, a lot of similarity, and a lot of feeling like everyone knows exactly what you’re going through – because they are going through it too.
Lastly, the venue holds a special space, as is the touches behind each of these elements. The ayahuasca wouldn’t be the same if it wasn’t delivered from a place of love, thoughtfulness, intention. The music, the words of the Sharman, the grandfather fire, the safety. Outside of ceremony, there is a safe, warm, loving energy in the space itself, one that allows you to drop into a sense of ease and relaxation from the moment you arrive.
So… that’s where I am at with rythmia, ayahuasca, and the experience so far….. I’ll check back in soon.
Day 6 – Ayahausca Retreat
The final entry for rythmia – this time around (yes, I will be booking again). On the last full day of the journey, it brings me to a space of reflection for the past 6 days. It’s hard to believe only a week ago I entered Costa Rica shrouded with a heavy sadness, self denigrating thoughts and hopelessness. That’s because now, I walk away, only 7 days later, with a sense of contentment, calmness, joy and excitement for what’s to come; and gratitude for the moment of now.
If you can’t already tell, it’s not just the ayahausca that makes this place special – it’s everything. From the friendly staff to the beautiful community, to the incredible food and fruit infused water. It’s the safety you feel when you are here, the sense of security, the sense of wholeness. The ambiance creates a space of healing, growth, understanding and light. The teachers remind us that we are pure love, pure light and pure essence – and anything that conflicts this is simply our ego getting in the way, as a result of childhood trauma (at least most of the time).
They remind us that owning our sacred space, living up to our potential, shining our light bright isn’t just what we should do – it’s what we are designed to do. We have come here, borne from love, with the opportunity to share our special talents and gifts. Often, somewhere along the way, we become scarred and end up living a half version of ourselves – at best.
However, we have learnt, and been reminded, that each of these thoughts is a choice, as is the ability to believe or question them. I’ve remembered that my thoughts do not control me, but I control them, and with the guidance of the universe, I am forever supported in my quest to become my best me, inside and out. Actually, I am forever supported in becoming a version of myself beyond my wildest dreams – and in the process of healing, I will continue to elevate who this being is.
I’ve learnt that if I’m not growing, I am dying; and that it’s necessary to choose a path. It’s essential to decide what I will allow in my life and what I will not, including my own thoughts, actions, beliefs and intentions. I have been reminded that I am the conscious creator, and as such, I can co-create my reality lovingly, into one of joy, wonder and passion. Actually, I can create what ever I desire as I have limitless potential.
While the above statements seem bold and perhaps brazen, probably the best thing I have remembered while here is that all of this is true – if I decide it to be. If I decide to claim my birthright to live out my life exactly as I intend – without limitations, hesitations or reservations, I can.
I truly believe all of us become disconnected from this knowledge somewhere along the way; and for this reason I wholeheartedly recommend ayahausca to anyone feeling lost, confused, angry or unfulfilled; or anyone seeking growth, to evolve, to become their best selves. Basically, I recommend it to all; simply because I know the profound effect it has had upon my life – and trust that my experience is not unique; and rather, the norm for all guests who come.
Lastly, I wanted to clarify – this trip was fully paid out of my own finances – this is not sponsored content nor is it an advertisement. I share this with you because I know how difficult it is for so many of us, stuck in a rut, and many of us do not know the way out. If that is you, I am here to share with you: ayahausca is the way out.
Do not wait or delay your stay – the sooner you come, the sooner you heal, the sooner you create the life you choose, rather than settle with the one you have.
I’m happy to answer any other questions you may have too.
I trust this has been helpful – and I look forward to hearing about your journey.